When Your Due Date Arrives, But Your Baby Doesn't

As most of you now know, we lost our first and only baby through miscarriage at the end of January. It's been the hardest thing we've ever been through and unless you've experienced it yourself, you don't fully understand all of the emotions and heartbreak that come with losing a baby through miscarriage. The initial loss is unbearable. The weeks following are full of tears. And the months following are tears mixed with learning how to cope. You have good days and you have bad days. Sometimes the bad days are unannounced and sometimes the bad days are expected - like Mother's Day, Father's Day and due dates. 

On Mother's Day I stayed home from church and cried because my arms were empty.

On Father's Day I cried because, in my eyes, there is no man that would make a better father than my amazing husband - and he was yet again childless on that special day. 

We had a few good months after May and June passed, not because we forgot about our loss or pain, we just learned how to keep pushing forward and started learning how to cope. But then September started creeping up. That's when I started feeling all those emotions start welling up inside of me again. I knew that September 4th (our due date) was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not. I knew that September 4th would come and our baby wouldn't. I anticipated it being a hard day like Mothers Day and Fathers Day, but I didn't expect it to play out like it did. 

All along I knew I wanted to make our due date special - to do something to memorialize our heaven baby. I read a bunch of suggestions on ways to honor the life of our heaven baby, but none of them stood out to me. Then I read something about another culture that refers to heaven babies as butterflies. That gave me the idea to plant a butterfly bush or something to attract butterflies, so that when I sit on the back patio or let Annie outside I can see it and be reminded of our sweet baby. I just knew planting this bush was going to bring us closure and comfort. It would bring healing and happiness. It would bring peace and encouragement. I just knew it would - it had to. I wanted it to be a gender neutral color, for it to bloom in September every year, and for it to be hearty and low maintenance - it needed to be perfect. I imagined us shopping with a mixture of sadness and joy as we found the perfect butterfly bush for our baby. 

Instead, on September 4th, 2017, what really happened was an emotionless trek through every garden center in Myrtle Beach as we (I) tried to find the "perfect" butterfly bush. Yet, none of them gave me the happiness I expected. None were pretty enough or the right color. None of them fit what I wanted for my baby. After Seth so patiently drove me from store to store and I never decided on a plant, we decided to take a break and grab some lunch. After lunch, Seth asked, "Where do you want to go now?", and I very bummed out said,  "I guess home". He then asked, "Well are you fine with that?". I replied, "I guess". Since he knows me so well he wasn't content with me saying "I guess", so he insisted we needed to go get a butterfly bush if that's what I wanted to do. After several minutes in the car of me not saying a word, he then asked, "What do you want?". Without any kind of warning, tears instantly started running down my cheeks because I vividly remember thinking, "I don't want a stupid plant or bush, I want my baby. That's what I want." 

Instead of opening up to Seth, I just silently cried the whole way home. Knowing what I know now, he thought I was mad at him and he wasn't sure why. He then also shut down, so we spent the rest of our due date not really speaking to one another. We did not buy the "perfect" butterfly bush. We did not work together to plant said bush. And we did not look back at our new beautifully planted bush and shed a couple healing tears as we held each other. We did none of those things. 

No matter how we would have tried to spend that day, nothing would have filled the void we felt. We shouldn't have had to plan a memorial or figure out what to do on our due date - we should have been anticipating the arrival of our first child. We should have been making final touches on the nursery. We should have been holding our baby. 

It's days like these that you cry. You say things like, "I don't want a stupid bush, I want my baby." You take out your hurt and heartbreak on your husband. And you push through another day. Because that's what you do when your due date arrives and your baby doesn't. 

For all the hurting moms and dads who want nothing more than to be holding their precious baby on their due date, but know that's never going to happen, just know you aren't alone. Your tears are normal, your pain is valid and your baby is not forgotten.

He Sympathizes and Comforts You

Seven months ago to the day, we were a little over 7 weeks pregnant with our first (and only) baby. Our love for that growing baby was bigger than I ever thought possible. After over a year and half of battling infertility, we were FINALLY expecting our little miracle. I would often hold my belly and pray over our sweet baby. My hubby would constantly touch my stomach and smile. And it seemed as though our dog was always laying her head on it and our kitty was continually trying to snuggle up on it. The little life I've always dreamt of was actually happening. My heart felt like it could explode from happiness!

Until the day my world would come crashing down...

On January 17, 2017, we were heading down to the fertility specialist in Mt. Pleasant to check on our baby for the second time. We had our guards up for so long while trying to get pregnant that after our first ultrasound we finally dropped our guards and allowed ourselves to get excited. Especially for this visit, because our doctor and nurse told us that at this appointment we should be able to see the heartbeat. They also told us that as long as everything looked good we would be transferred back to my regular OBGYN - yay!

On our two hour drive down there we were almost giddy. We sang, talked, laughed and discussed baby names. The joy was overwhelming. Once we arrived at the specialist, we were greeted with smiles and cheer - just like our moods. We were called back where I had the usual blood draw and weight check, again with another smiling face. From there we were taken into the ultrasound room where the nurse mentioned that this ultrasound should be more exciting than the last. Again - yay! Soon enough, our doctor was in the room and starting the ultrasound. 

I could usually see the screen during my ultrasounds, but for some reason it wasn't where I could see it that day. As I laid on the table we all kind of sat quietly and waited. And waited. And waited. I started to feel nervous because it never took this long for any other ultrasound. But I tried to remain hopeful. I remember Seth holding my hand, but I couldn't even look at him because I was scared to see his face. After what felt like forever, our sweet doctor rubbed my leg and said the words I never wanted or expected to hear, "Give me a minute, I'm not seeing what I want to see". My heart sank. Seth gripped my hand tighter and I fought back tears. After a minute, the doctor turned the screen towards us and explained that he did not see a flicker (heartbeat) like he expected to see and that there wasn't much growth since our first ultrasound. Still no words out of either of our mouths and I had yet to look at Seth - because I knew I would lose it if I saw him. Once he finished showing us the ultrasound, in the best way he could, our doctor explained to us that he believed we would lose our baby. He told us how sorry he was. He told us several times that there was nothing I did or could have done to prevent this and that it wasn't my fault. He offered a recheck ultrasound for later in the week - we agreed. Before our doctor left the room, he gave both Seth and I a hug and told us (again) how sorry he was - there was sadness all over his face. He told us to take all the time we needed and to leave when we were ready. The most heartbreaking moment in my life followed. 

Once the doctor left the room, Seth stood up and hugged me as I sat on the table. As soon as we hugged, we simultaneously began to sob. I remember whispering, through my tears, "I'm sorry" at one point. I have never seen or heard my husband cry so hard in my life. After several minutes of crying, we composed ourselves enough to walk out of the room. A nurse was waiting for us and told us how sorry she was and that we could just head straight to our car. We fought back the tears as we walked outside and got in the car to leave. We broke down into more sobs once we got into the car. The pain we were feeling isn't something I can explain. We prayed and wanted this baby so desperately, yet we were being told we were most likely going to lose our child. 

Heartbroken is an understatement. 

Before we drove out of the parking lot, I remember telling Seth that I was choosing faith and wanted to pray for a miracle. We agreed that until our follow-up ultrasound, we were going to speak life over our baby and hope and pray for Jesus' healing. We called our parents as we sobbed to them to tell them the news and ask for their prayers. They passed the news onto our siblings. I somehow managed to call my best friend and tell her. Seth called our pastor and good friend and asked for prayers. I have never heard or seen my husband cry like he did that day. It was so painful to see him hurting like that.

Our drive home that day is something I'll never forget - we cried the entire two hours. O

The 3 days that followed were a blur. I've never prayed so much in my life. We spoke life. We thanked Him for our child. We had an army of friends and family doing the same. Although we prayed and hoped for a miracle, we were also trusting God's plan and will for our lives - whether it was the outcome we wanted or not. 

That Friday we drove back down to Mt. Pleasant. It was a quiet trip down there, but oddly enough we weren't as emotional as I expected we would be. While driving down there we suddenly saw a bald eagle fly across the road - how neat! Then a several miles down the road we saw another bald eagle flying beside us. And believe it or not, a third bald eagle flew across the road further into our trip. Until that point, I had NEVER seen a bald eagle flying while I was driving. So naturally, I googled the symbolism of a bald eagle. The first thing that came up was "strength". To this day I can't find that website, but in that moment, strength is what we needed and what we had. We arrived at our follow-up appointment only to get the sad confirmation that we would definitely lose our precious baby. It was beyond tough to hear, but we had strength that day.

On our way home, we stopped to grab some lunch. We sent out a group text to our families and received an outpouring of love and compassion. As we were waiting for our food, a text from Seth's oldest brother came through. The text read, "God will work this in you both for good, even when it's hard for you to see right now. God knows what it's like to lose a child and He sympathizes and comforts you". 

Y'all. That touched my heart and gave me such peace. That was the first time I had even thought about that. God knows exactly what it's like to lose a child. Wow. I'm not alone in my hurt and pain. Because He knows. He sympathizes and comforts me. That was (and is) so profound and moving. 

Contrary to popular belief, losing a child through miscarriage is not a one day, one time thing. The bleeding started that Friday night and continued for an entire week (and yet I still had to have a D&C). That week was physically painful. And knowing the pain I was feeling was because we were losing our baby made for a roller coaster of emotions. I cried every time I went to the bathroom. I would hold my stomach due to painful cramps instead of excitement of knowing our baby was growing inside me. 

I cried every single day for a month. 

During that time, I never thought that I would be able to go a day without tears. But every day turned into every other day, then once a week, once a month and now just occasionally. You never truly get over the loss, you just learn how to cope and you draw strength from God to get you through. 

Most importantly, I took comfort in God. I knew that He would work our pain out for His good. I took comfort in knowing that He knows what it's like to lose a child. I knew that He sympathized with me. He is The Great Comforter and the Perfecter of our Faith. 

If you've suffered the loss of a child, place your heart in His hands. Look to Him for strength. Feel the loving arms of Jesus wrap around you. He will comfort you. He will sympathize with you. He loves you - and He loves your child. 

Always remember, He sympathizes and comforts you, sweet friend. 

Invisible Mom

Last month, I had the pleasure of writing a guest blog post for Cathy McIntosh with Strengthened by the Word ministries. I'm so very grateful for Cathy allowing me to share my heart on her blog. God's plans are far greater than my own.

You can find the post by clicking the link below:

http://strengthened-by-the-word.blogspot.com/2017/05/invisible-mom.html?m=1

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is right around the corner. A day we get to celebrate all of the wonderful moms in our life. A day to say a special "thank you" to the women who love us and have sacrificed so much for us. A day we honor all of the moms in our life for all that they do and have done. A special day. A happy day.

Well, for most.

Sadly, for the first time in my life, I'm kind of dreading Mother's Day. I'm already anxious and sad about the Sunday that's quickly approaching. And my sadness has nothing to do with my mom. You see, my mom is still alive, I have a great relationship with her - she's one of my best friends and she lives close by. So why would I be sad and anxious about Mother's Day?

I'm sad about Mother's Day this year because I don't have a child (in my arms) to share it with.

Most of you reading this have no idea - but Seth and I have been battling infertility for almost 2 years now and earlier this year we lost a baby. A baby that we tried for over a year and a half to have. A baby we prayed and prayed for. A baby that we desperately wanted. A baby that meant the world to us. A baby we loved more than I ever thought possible.  A baby we never got to meet.

No matter what, I know I'm a mom - a mom to our sweet heaven baby. But my heart aches for that baby as we approach Mother's Day and I think about the fact that I'll never be able to spend Mother's Day with that child. I'll never be able to watch them grow up, help them with homework or kiss them goodnight. Even though I'll never get to do those things with our heaven baby, I'm grateful for the short time I was able to carry, grow and nurture our baby. That in and of itself was a miracle and a blessing.

If you're struggling with infertility or you've experienced child loss of any kind, my prayers are with you this Mother's Day. I pray you find peace and comfort. I pray you know that you are not alone - you're honored, celebrated and loved on this special day. 

5 Simple Ways to Stay Connected with Your Spouse

For most of us, our lives are full blown hectic. My husband and I don't even have kids yet and our weekly schedules are completely full, pulling us in all directions. It can be extremely difficult for us to find time to connect with one another. This is probably common for most couples, especially those with children and/or demanding schedules.

One of my biggest fears is that one day Seth and I will allow life to come inbetween our relationship...but only if we let it. You see, this is a choice. We can choose to work extremely hard to make our relationship a priority or we can just let life happen and hope we magically stay close and connected. My guess is that we'll have a better chance of staying connected if we choose to make it our priority. 

All this said, I've decided to list out 5 simple things we do to stay connected. (I realize all or some won't necessarily work in every relationship, but as a whole, I feel they are effective.)

1. Greet/Depart From Each Other with a Hug and a Kiss

It's easy in all the hustle and bustle to rush out the door for work and forget to kiss one another. Or walk-in the door and start fixing dinner, walk the dog, turn on the TV, or whatever the case may be, yet we've barely acknowledged one another. Taking the few seconds to just stop and give each other a hug and a kiss will make a huge impact on your relationship. Not a day goes by that Seth or I leave the house without a hug, kiss and "I love you". Now, coming home and having to rush out the door for the next thing on the agenda makes the greeting part a little more tricky, but we still catch ourselves when we don't make it happen. Most the time we'll be driving down the road and one of us will say, "hey, I don't think we kissed each other yet", then lean in for a quick kiss. 

I once read that most couples don't even kiss for 15 seconds a day. I was completely shocked, because I feel like we're a "kissy" couple. I just knew that Seth and I kiss way more than that, so I put us to the test. Surprising, 15 seconds is a lot longer than we realized and it was harder than we thought. Give it a try! (Nothing a good makeout session can't fix though ;) haha) 

2. Connect Throughout the Day

Most of us work 8-10+ hours a day, which means we're apart from our spouse, during our awake hours, more than we are with them. That in itself can cause unintentional disconnection. Not that we need to start working together or quit our jobs just so we can spend every waking moment together, but we need to make an effort to connect during those times apart. For my hubby and I, this mean we call each other around lunch every day. It may be a 5 second or 5 minute conversation, but it's connection regardless. It tells us that we are thinking about the other person and want to see how each other's day is going. It gives us a chance to say "I love you" an extra time. And it gives us the chance to encourage each other if our days aren't going so great. I look forward to those lunch time chats. It can also be a simple "I love you" text, a "you're hot and I miss you" Facebook message, or even "I hope you're having a good day". Something simple to show you're thinking about them and you care. 

3. Sit Down and Have Dinner Together

Many nights we aren't home for dinner, but the nights we are, we always, always, always sit at the dinner table and eat together. I'll be honest, sometimes we chat a little and scroll on Facebook a lot, but most of the time we make an effort to talk to each other. It's an elementary thing to do, but it's something that's been slowly creeping away from most of our lives with our busy society. It allows us to sit down, look at each other, and open up about our days, laugh, tell stories, or share what's on our heart/mind. 

4. Go to Bed at the Same Time 

I'm honestly not sure how or why we started this, but I'm grateful that we did. Every single night we crawl into bed at the same time. This allows for the chance to talk, snuggle, watch some tv and, of course..."sexy time". Not that every night has to or will be "sexy time", but if you don't allow any opportunity for that to happen, than chances are, it won't happen. Just saying.

When you see or hear of other couples that go to bed at the same time, you will see a difference in their relationship than those that don't. I think that is one of the reasons we do this. When you see people doing something or being like someone you want to be, take notes of their actions and follow suit. Don't act like those that have the lives/relationships that you don't want to have. Simple as that. 

6. Take a Vacation with Each Other Once a Year

This obviously isn't a thing that you do every day to stay connected, but it's very important that couples do this. We're not rolling in the dough, but we make this a priority and budget for them accordingly. When I say vacation, it doesn't have to be a week long expensive trip, it can be a  staycation or a cheap weekend getaway, something where you disconnect from every day life and just focus on each other. No kids, no jobs, no stress, just each other and relaxing fun. We've done this for all 5 years of our marriage. Here are all the varieties of our getaways:

Honeymoon: 1 week to Meixco

Staycation: weekend at a friends beach house free of charge

Florida: won a 2 day stay in Daytona and 3 day stay in Orlando

Overnight stay: Spent the day in a little town an hour north of us, spent the night, and came home the following day

Cruise: 7 day cruise for our 5 year anniversary

There are many varieties in cost, length and type. Don't let the fear of time, money or how extravegant it is, deter you from planning a getaway. It's worth the money, just budget for it. If you want 20+ years of marriage, you realize that takes time, which means you realize time is important and it's okay to take time away from work and life to invest in your marriage. As for the extravegant part, my examples should prove how un-extravegant it has to be. All your spouse will care about is the fact that you care enough about them to spend the time, money and effort to make it happen. As Nike says..."Just Do It". 

I would love for you to share how you and your spouse stay connected. My suggestions may not work for some, but yours might! :) 

He is Trustworthy and Faithful

Trusting God isn't as simple as it sounds. It's easy to say that we trust God with our lives, that we have faith in His will and timing, but do we really? Do we fully give our lives to Him and give up the control we have on our lives? I know I struggle with this daily. Without hesitation, I would tell anyone that I love God and trust Him with my whole heart, but my actions say otherwise. I allow these little things called stress, worry and doubt creep into my life and they are the exact opposite of trusting God.

This very blog is an example of that lack of faith and trust. I've been feeling a tugging from God that I should start blogging again, but literally couldn't bring myself to even open the laptop to start it. The words "trust" and "faith" just keep popping in my head, yet this little voice of doubt has been creeping in telling me that my blog wasn't as powerful, helpful or interesting as others I've read. So, I kept letting fear and doubt push away the tugging from God. (I actually wrote this all on a sheet of paper, because I couldn't bring myself to log into Blogger). Doesn't sound like I trust God as much as I think, huh? God is steadily revealing that to me.

As I sat at home the other night, the lyrics from a song that was sung at church on Sunday, kept popping in my head. I found a picture of the lyrics and decided to post it on my Instagram account, so it could be shared with others and encourage them. While sitting there, this feeling that I needed to spend some time with God and do my devotional (which I hadn't done in a while--I'm human) came over me. So I opened up my devotional Bible and flipped to the page with the bookmark. It was on a Monday devotional so I flipped until I found Friday's. Low and behold, the title of the devotion was simply "Trust". At that point, I think I actually laughed, "Okay, God, I hear you." After reading the devotion, I read the suggested verse of the day, "But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him." Jeremiah 17:7. Well, that was yet another wake-up call. By now, I'm starting to get the point. Anyways, this is why I'm back here, 3 years later, writing this blog. I'm trusting Him to give me the words to type and having faith that it will be used for His glory...not mine.

As that famous quote says, "Let go and let God." If we think we can solely go through life on our own without the help of the One who created us, we are fooling ourselves. He loves us and wants so much for us. If we just listen, trust, and obey Him, we will see all that He has planned for us. If you are like me and plan out your life, you will quickly find out that your plans aren't always His plans. Lately, my frequent prayers have been, "Not my will, but Yours" and "Your plans are far greater than the plans I have for myself". Those are simple ways to keep myself in check and remind myself to let go.

If you feel like you are alone in your marriage, that you are struggling to stay afloat with all life's demands, issues with friendship or anything else, just know, the greatest relationship you can have is with Jesus Christ. He is the only method that will fill the voids you have in your life. No one else and nothing else can do that. He is hope. He is love. He is good. Seek Him and continually pray and ask for Him to change your heart. Ask Him to break down your walls. Pray for your marriage and your spouse. Pray for your friendships. Pray for guidance. Pray, pray, pray. He always answers, sometimes not right away, but He will answer. It may be "yes", "no" or "not yet", but trust Him and remind yourself that His plans are far greater than yours.

So, there it is. I took a step of faith and wrote this blog (even though I'm nervous to hit the "Publish" button). I trust Him and will do my best to listen when He tugs on my heart. I encourage you to do the same.



Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness. Help us to trust you in everything. Remind us that we make terrible gods of our own lives and the only way to have true contentment is through you. Amen.

Language of Love: Words of Affirmation

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."  Ephesians 4:29 ESV

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.This is the saying that all of us are taught growing up, yet it is far from the truth. Words are extremely powerful. Words can be encouraging or degrading, honest or deceitful, destructive or constructive, but the choice is ours. We choose which words come out of our mouths. Do you choose, daily, to speak words that build up, or words that tear down? 

As I have talked about numerous times, in my previous blogs, communication is a key element in any relationship. Most think communication just means talking with your spouse and dealing with situations. This is true, but there are more elements that embody the word "communication". We need to keep an open line of communication between us and our spouse, but we also need to be mindful of what and how we are communicating. 

We've been discussing "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and as you can see today's focus is on the love language: words of affirmation. As I noted in my previous post, when I took the love language test, words of affirmation came in third on how I feel loved. As for my husband, Seth, words of affirmation is his second love language. This means that words mean more to Seth, than they do for myself. It seems as though, for most men, that words of affirmation are most important to them. With this being said, why does it seem as though a lot of women do the opposite?

I hear it all the time. Wives complaining about their husbands not doing what they are "supposed" to, husbands complaining about their wives "nagging" them or even the other way around. Let me just stop there. Ladies, if you are constantly complaining about everything your husband does wrong and never praise him for what he does right, he will just shut down. He will feel as though he can do nothing to get your approval, and that is major for a man. Men take pride in how their wives, friends, co-workers and family view them. I read an awesome status on Facebook posted by "Marriage", the other day, it read as follows:

"If you want your spouse to improve in certain areas, compliment what they're doing right instead of nagging them about what they're doing wrong. Encouragement makes us want to improve, but insults only make us want to give up."

Men and women both need to feel loved and encouraged by their spouse. If they don't feel that way, they won't respond to you with love. It's a vicious cycle that has to be broken, and the only one who can do that is yourself. Be mindful of what you say and how you say it. Build up your spouse. Forget the things that you want them to change, and accept them for who they are. Encouraging words are more powerful than you think, but so are discouraging words. Tame that tongue. Be an encourager and the biggest cheerleader for your spouse.

These Bible verses say so much, in such few words. Take them to heart and mediate on them.

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body". Proverbs 16:24 ESV

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1 ESV


Have a great week, everyone!